i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
God, I missed his penis.
Randomize
