I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
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