You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
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Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
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I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
we played a my little pint drinking game. It was awesome.
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
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