and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
just cuze she's 16 doesn't mean it's illegal to add her on facebook
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
