Dual, econ, hell, shiv, aunt, puppy. 1 out of 6. T9 word needs to learn how to cuss like me.
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
Randomize
