Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
That's why Kanye is a gay fish.
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
Randomize
