i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
Question: trumpet bong. Can it work.
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
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