Your mouth is God's brothel.
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
theyre selling pepper spray in the courtyard. hellooo atl
Im in the STD packet for new students this year. And im going to be plastered tonight so be forewarned
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
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