I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
We're talking about addictions in class and there's a girl 2 rows in front of me on Farmville. Hello, example.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
definitely not taking the whole return culture shock so well...drinking a 100 proof rootbeer vodka float out of a german beer mass
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
Randomize
