life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
Randomize
