put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
Lol I think I might have been a little aggressive last night there is a blue ass print from your jeans on my wall
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
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