I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
My breath smells like gin and sadness
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
