After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
please tell me we weren't that bad as freshmen
i can't, we're worse now
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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