He uses pillows to masturbate.
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
What can i say, inner beauty is great but it makes a hard picture to jack off to
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
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