just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
I'm going to use this quarantine time to improve my blowjob skills.
The streets are paved with hand jobs
Randomize
