i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped