the crunchwrap supreme is the def leppard of the taco bell menu
which is why it's clearly superior
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
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I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
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Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?