I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
These 23 People Had Sex With Someone From Completely Different Cultures
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
25 Medical Facts That Need To Be Common Knowledge
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting