Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
I can't believe I wasted a google wave invite on her.
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
Randomize
