I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
double majoring has taught me only that psych majors are sluttier than govt majors
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
Sudue. BIG CUP LOTS OF NOMNOMD TUOSPY
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
