I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
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He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
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i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
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