Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
Bad news is im a slut again. Good news is its with people ive been a slut with before.
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
Randomize
