he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
Walk back down Church toward Mass Ave. Take a right and head for the guy in a kilt on top of the really tall unicycle. C u soon!
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
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