She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
Same encounter she body slammed me to the floor and than humped me
Randomize
