New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
Randomize
