haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
I suggest both. Please have sex with them and prepare notes for a final comparison.
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
Randomize
