I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
Randomize