I can't believe believe she called me a slut. She doesn't know anything about me or my life.
Shit, that's something a lot of sluts say.
Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
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