Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
this will be a night to untag.
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
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