did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
Randomize
