and i looked up. we had an audience...
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
Ps I think male models just broke down outside or maybe gay German sex travelers
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
Randomize
