Betty ford says i'm here all night
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
Randomize
