can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
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