did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
Randomize
