I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
i freaking love being in a circle of guys. if i fart none of them suspect me.
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
Randomize
