just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
help. his tongue is stuck. Its not what you think. Hurry.
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