u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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