the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Randomize
