I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Randomize
