my phone needs a breathalizer
I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
You know your from las vegas when the girl on the stage in the strip club was in my US gov class senior year
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
I thought he was kidding when he said pretend to be a dunkin donut delivery women. This is the last time I ever role play.
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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