Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
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