I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
Thanks, college. Tonight's decisions brought to you by margs in a nalgene.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
Randomize
