Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
you told everyone your name was brenda and you had the whole party chanting b-dawgg by the end of the night. successful.
you sang the finger bang song from south park while fingering me. needless to say, kind of a turn off.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
Randomize
