just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
Randomize
