I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
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