at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
I wish we had a justin bieber to wanna fuck when we were younger... But noooo we just had hanson
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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