Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
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