Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
I still have a little drunk in my system
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
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