He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
i dont care about people's attitudes as long as they give me head
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
Randomize
