what if I'm pregnant?
smusmorshion
it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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