two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
let's remember the whole point of NYE: to drink antisocial amounts of antisocial drinks, become incoherent, ruin a carpet, talk to a tree, wake up with head sellotaped to toilet. The where/how is superfluous, my vote goes to a cupboard and a bottle of jaeger Questions?
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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