OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
Randomize
