Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
