I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
Please clarify that he is speaking of beer pong and not rough sex
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
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