You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Randomize
