If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
Randomize
