I told u I don't really remember everything lol i pretty much remember not lasting as long as I norm and that I wore a condom, I hate condoms
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
Randomize
